USA Women’s National Team: Not like I’m saying anything new…

O rly, Nike?

…

…

Dear Nike,

No love,

rhythm bandits

P.S. I’ve been wanting to use that .gif since FOREVER. Thanks for giving me an opportunity.

USA Women’s National Team: I think I hurt somebody’s feelings

I am proud to have received this ridiculous swipe from whoever was running the @ussoccer_wnt twitter account today:

LOL

Reasons why this swipe is ridiculous:

1. Not that Heifetz would know this, but as a USWNT fan and women’s soccer fan in general, I have seen Japan play. And more than just twice during the Olympics (which I should have, because guess who played them twice in Beijing? Oh, I don’t know, the UNITED STATES maybe?). Oh yes, and I watched them play against England in 2007, and New Zealand, Norway, China, and Germany in 2008. Not to mention several times at the U-20 level (thanks Chile 2008 and Germany 2010).
2. So. Just because I’m not a mindless cheerleader does not mean I’ve never seen one of the USA’s opponents. IN TOURNAMENTS. Also, you’d think a “big win”, no matter who the opponent was, should be a blowout. Japan IS that good — squeaking a win past them is not encouraging for a team who is so self-assured that it never changes its starting lineup roster even when it’s broken.
3. Actually, I take that back. Sure it’s a big win, for a TEAM THAT NEVER CHANGES ITS ROSTER.
4. Which probably suggests that this tweet was borne out of somebody’s hurt feelings. Or else they would have just, I don’t know, IGNORED it like they do to everybody else’s more supportive tweets.

With that said, here’s some news for Heifetz and the USWNT (and whoever else believes that tripe about the win over Japan being “big”) from High Expectations Asian Father:

He disapproves.

Anyway, there is also good news for people who think the @ussoccer_wnt account isn’t active enough: now that we know that the account actually reads the tweets sent its way, you should never give up tweeting @ them!

USA Women’s National Team: On today’s game vs. Canada

No rice for you!

There are just some internet memes that really speak to me, you know?

USA Women’s National Team: Are we serious? Yes A-Rod, we are

First of all:

This is my reaction to US Soccer insisting that Kelley O'Hara is a midfielder and therefore did not deserve to be in the video below.

And by the way, don’t let the title of this video fool you; it says “Young Guns”, but this video is actually about Abby. Because there’s no other reason why they would mention her every two seconds.

USA Women’s National Team: Ringing in the New Year

What better way to the ring in the New Year 2011 (and bring in the blog search hits) than with Alex Morgan? (Don’t answer that.)

Question: Why? Answer: Because I can.

So without further ado:

The electronic version of Alex Morgan’s ESPN The Magazine blurb (small picture) (Note that the magazine is the January 10, 2011 edition)

A bigger (less flattering) preview, but I do love the beanie

And of course the highlights video that has Morgan’s own stamp of approval (the massively annoying song that plays during the middle portion of the video is Kat DeLuna’s “Unstoppable”):

Now for the somewhat anticlimactic 2011 WPS Draft next week! As per protocol I will wait for everyone else’s previews and then complain about them.

USA Women’s National Team: An open letter to other federations

She looks perfectly fine to me, Pia.

Dear women’s football (soccer) federations, and coaches across the world not named Pia Sundhage,

Here in the United States we have something called the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA). There are a lot of sports under their governance, including women’s soccer.  Many great players have passed through NCAA, perhaps even some players on your own squads. This past year, some notice has been given to the leading scorer in the collegiate ranks this year, a young lady by the name of Christen Press.

Miss Press is an accomplished striker who is able to create and finish, fleet-footed, and has (as far as we have observed) tremendous promise. She is also a much calmer presence than Kelley Maureen O’Hara and Kerri Michel Hanks, the two players she is most often compared to. Unfortunately, this promise seems to be going to waste in our country, as our head coach has somehow decided that even Meghan “Wears Too Much Eyeliner So She Looks Strung Out” Klingenberg merited a full national team call-up ahead of her.

Here, my dear women’s football federations, is where you come in. Miss Press’ teammates at Stanford University, Alina Lisi Garciamendez-Rowold and Teresa Noyola-Bayardo, having been otherwise given short-shrift by the United States Soccer Federation, have transferred their talents to Mexico. This is working very much in Mexico’s favor as well as their own — both have a very good chance of representing Mexico at the Women’s World Cup in Germany. Miss Press, on the other hand, has (as far as we have seen) little future with the United States. The fact that we have still not released Kristine Lilly from the player pool is a damning statement of what USSF thinks where its talented youth should go. (Hint: where the sun does not shine.)

So, my dear women’s football federations (and coaches), here is your chance to seize a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (literally) to offer citizenship to Miss Christen Press, who will certainly be an asset to any football (soccer) team that will have her. Applications are open to all reasonable contenders, but being a World Cup-bound team in need of a good striker is a plus in the consideration process. (Equatorial Guinea and North Korea, please sit down, I do not think Miss Press looks manly enough for your teams.)

I hope you consider our proposal, and in everything make the most of your youthful promise.

Please accept our most humble regards, etc. etc.,

rhythm bandits

NCAA, USA Women’s National Team: Press This, Press That

I look at my site stats pretty often, and recently I’ve been getting a lot of queries for Christen Press and her status (or lack thereof) with the USA women’s national team. True, Miss Press has seen a lot of time with the U-23s, but with the USWNT looking awful in recent months, people are paying even more attention to her than ever before. Everyone’s looking for viable options.

Well there’s a newspaper article out talking about how Press is really starting to feel it. By ‘it’ I mean Coach Pia’s neglect, which started to look more and more flagrant and intentional every day that Press laid the college teams in her path to waste and ruin.

It seems unfathomable the school’s most prolific scorer ever would carry such burdens. Some predict she will be one of America’s next great players. But Press has yet to be invited to try out for the U.S. national team and has been left to stress about her prospects.

The news article goes on to say that Bill Irwin, the USA U-23 coach, had already recommended Press for the next step. (One wonders how Alex Morgan managed to stick on the squad when other talents in her age group didn’t. I understand that Kelley O’Hara had that quad injury…and I certainly don’t think Sydney Leroux is ready…but Press hasn’t even had the chance to prove herself.)

I hope that answers any questions about Christen Press making the national team. The answer is: No she has not made the national team, at least not as of the writing of the article, which is quite recent.

What does Christen Press need to do to get a call-up? I don’t know. It’s a long, frustrating road — Alex Morgan is an anomaly — and nowadays with people actually noticing that the the USWNT is in dire straits, the road may not be as short as Press — and we alongside her — would like.

USA Women’s National Team: Can Twitter Save Your Ass Like Alex Morgan Can?

I wasn’t asked to respond to this, but I will anyway.

Can Twitter save women’s soccer? My personal, heartfelt answer is, well, HELL TO THE NO.

At least not now. And not so soon. It’s hard to be optimistic about any sort of “Pro-USWNT Campaign For the Common Man” when people don’t know that Mia Hamm isn’t playing anymore. It’s all her damn fault for being so dominant!

As I was saying. Ahem. Yes, Twitter is a wonderful platform to get people to notice things. Hell, I only heard of who Justin Bieber was because his name kept popping up in the Trending Topics section. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t looked him up on the All-Seeing Google Machine. And now you will be sorry too!

I dare you to listen.  I DARE YOU. And I bet you won’t be able to get that earworm “Baby, baby, baby noooooooo” part out of your head.

But the people who are hashtagging #USWNT right now are basically just an echo chamber; you’re going to need a bigger echo chamber — a much bigger echo chamber — to get it trending. People who don’t care (and there are many of them!) will continue to not care. The only hope to get new fans on Twitter is to catch people who are curious/bored enough to figure out what “USWNT” stands for. I’m not even sure how likely that’s going to be. The USWNT just isn’t as popular as Justin Bieber (despite Amy LePeilbet’s attempts to trick preteen girls into thinking that she is Justin Bieber so that they’ll come to Boston Breakers games). Not to mention…what if they play crappily and lose? Will people ever want anything to do with them ever again? [/korean drama]

The lone encouraging thing I see on Twitter in this regard are random people loudly declaring their newfound crushes on Alex Morgan and watching a game just to see her. (By the way, she’s spoken for. Sorry to burst your bubble.) The Cross-Conference Collector asked, “Or it’s about Alex Morgan. Who can say, for sure?”

DUH IT IS ABOUT ALEX MORGAN, IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT ALEX MORGAN. BOW DOWN TO THE PRINCESS ALL YE UNWORTHY PEOPLE, YES YOU TOO A-ROD!!!11!!eleventy!!1!

Despite my cynicism, however, I still encourage you all to tag your tweets with #USWNT early and often. If not for the terrible awful horrible stagnant USWNT who is playing shitty soccer, then do it for my fellow Golden Bear, Alex Morgan! The echo chamber will never grow if we just leave it be.

P.S. I will be gallivanting in New York City on the 27th and will miss the game. Joy.

NCAA, USA Women’s National Team: Here we go Irish!

That is for Alex Morgan, because Kings Of Leon is apparently among her preferred music artists.

• Quite frankly, everyone’s said it. The USWNT sucked. Her Serene Highness Alex Morgan scored a goal that made me puff up with Cal Pride, but did not do justice to how crappily the USA was playing. Ironically, Lloyd wasn’t behind most of the suckage: it was two former Florida Gators (AHEM) who had the worst performances of the game, in my opinion.
• I don’t understand how anyone can cheer for the Evil Clones Tar Heels. They got what they deserved, which was a 4-1 crushing at the hands of Rose ‘Laser’ Augustin and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. There is no such thing as a heart breaking for the Tar Heels, because people who say their heart breaks for UNC don’t really have hearts at all. Or are just bandwagoners.
• Granted, the Irish still have to face a surging Oklahoma State — which is completely ridiculous because now people think Adrianna Franch is better than Bianca Henninger.
• If you actually think  Adrianna Franch is better than Bianca Henninger (like Top Drawer Soccer apparently does), you’re an idiot. Certifiable.
• Kerri Hanks popped up in UND’s interactive liveblog during the game. That made my day! Even more so than all the Twitter people throwing themselves at Morgan’s lovely feet and worshiping thanking her for saving the USA’s ass. You’re welcome, guys.

USA Women’s National Team: Are you kidding me

So here I was, being a troll on Twitter and thinking about how junk food I coveted as a child is actually quite disappointing when I finally eat it as an “adult”, when I stumble upon this tweet:

Someone on conference call wanted to make a suggestion rather than ask a question. Immediately shut down.

Shut down? As in “sit down, shut up and let Pia blather about how awesome everything is”? Is that fool Aaron Heifetz out of his mind? The fool needs to be forcibly retired; his retirement can’t wait for whenever Lilly finally gets the hell out of there.

While pundits are really annoying (which means I find myself annoying — wow, what a rush), I think that the USWNT is in no place to consider itself above any suggestions that pundits — even the stupid ones — might give. The team is a-shambles, it needs fixing, but nobody is fixing anything. The fans may be idiots, but at least after the Mexico debacle, less of them have tunnel vision.

It shouldn’t surprise me though. US Soccer is based in Chicago. If they don’t want it fixed, it ain’t going to be fixed. Nyeh! See?